Currently, I am drinking organic coffee at a small bistro in Nevada City amazed that I am sitting here. This is the last place that I could have imagined being on the road to the next phase, chapter, season, etc. of my journey. Two weeks ago I was living 80 miles away in an amazing house, care-taking the property for rent. Managing programs for a non-profit as I recently found employment after an almost two year struggle to find and maintain work. And most excitingly, I was getting to know someone with the prospects of a relationship founded on the desires to see God lead and bless it. Reflecting on how all of these details of my life are now gone, I just laugh a bit to myself. I can imagine that these realities may seem overwhelming to many and may cause a great sense of fear in doubt to towards the future if your were in my shoes. In my case, these events have been minor compared to the enormity of change I have encountered. This fact makes me thankful for the strength God has instilled in my heart by that time (I may write more about that throughout my posts). The greater reason this all has brought me relief is the clarity that now exists for me in the road ahead. I have a firm resolve that I am called to Seminary.
It was December 23rd, 2011, and I was sitting in front of the fireplace remaining still before God. I was asking large questions about my future which included “God,why can’t I stop thinking about ministering to others?”. To my surprise I felt the answer come to mind almost immediately, “Because I made you this way!”. From that point I began to passively seek answers about what it would look like for me to pursue ministry on a full-time basis. I was still in the fog of divorce and bankruptcy, and felt like I was coming apart at the seams. I needed time and healing, but didn’t know how this could come into my life. Fortunately, as I mentioned, I was offered the opportunity to take care of an estate of some friends parents and the freedom of time and space to live on my own was exactly where God needed me to be as I waited on him patiently for the next step.
In that time I became more and more affirmed in my gifting as I lead a small group, spoke at a high-school winter camp, and was asked on numerous occasions for counsel and support. The whole time I felt inadequate and unequipped as realities of not having enough to eat or support myself and my kids was a constant struggle. However, the whole time I felt God was teaching me that even in need or in the most difficult times, I could still serve. I then began to see fruit of my heart result in many amazing opportunities for God to use me in my humility and weakness. It seemed that the reoccurring theme was my desire to be vulnerable and real with others. I was even told that this was “scary and disarming” to others defenses on an interpersonal front.
As time passed and the summer began to finish up, a new thought was brewing in my mind about the idea of seminary and what it would mean for me and my children. I immediately came up with a list of reasons why I couldn’t do it with the chief reason was the distance between my two children and I. Even though my excuses to not follow God were valid and very real, God would not stop whispering to me the whole idea about school. It wasn’t until one Sunday morning sermon based on the call to follow Jesus that it became clear to me that every argument and reason we have needs to brought under obedience to God. I realized that my “but” in following God’s will for my life was the doubt I had in his ability to maintain my relationship with my kids. To put it more generally, it was about control. I sat in the service bawling my eyes out as I realized the many realities that this realization now implicated. In my heart I have become completely exposed and prostrate before the Lord.
So here I am gathering, developing, strategizing, and submitting my plans to take on this enormous step for my faith and for my family. So many parts of my story demonstrate already that everything was left on the Cross and we all have the ability to live our calling despite the circumstances we have gone through. For me, being divorced is a large one that I had to work through to arrive at this place. I know it will come up again during this journey and I welcome the opportunity to dispense grace.
One item that I ask all of you to consider is supporting my relationship with my children. In this circumstance this means my ability to travel from Pasadena to Chico as often as I can. The first item I ask is prayer for the hearts of my children in the 18 months I am in school and for the many realities this entails. I also ask for you to consider helping me get to them. I have been blessed and will continue to see provision in my ability to attend Fuller seminary financially. Yet, I still see a need for my “Traveling Mercies”. If you feel led , please consider a donation for this specific purpose. If you know my story you know how dedicated I have been to my relationship with my children, this will never change. I am confident that since the Lord has called me to this that He will also provide!!! He is so good!
(I have done the leg work if you are able to support me in this and created an online account. Please click the box below to learn more).
Thank you for your willingness to consider supporting me on this journey. I am hopeful and excited to see God work out the details. May you be encouraged to follow Jesus fully when he says to you “Come” Matthew 11:28.